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Whatever age we are, we are adults. We think of ourselves as adults. We have been making adult decisions for a long time. There are thousands of signs in our lives we are adults. Our parents may be alive, or one is deceased, or both are gone. Yet there is a real sense in which we forever will be our parents' children. That is, our parents had enormous impacts on how we see ourselves, others, the world--and how we are to relate to ourselves, others, and the world. This also applies to our adult roles as leaders.
Your Childhood "Leader Models":
Mom and Dad
As a dependent child, you first learned how to become a follower. Your first leaders were your parents. By "parents" I mean the adults who invested their love and years of support to get you "raised up." We really need to reflect on those first, central people in our lives as children. Let's assume one of these parents had a more dominant influence.
Some were gentle, nudging and guiding. Some were harsh, pushing and forcing. Some were listeners, asked us to speak, reflected, then responded to what we said. Some were constant talkers, uninterested in our view, told us to shut up and do what we were told.
Make a list of what you remember--good, not so good, and just plain bad--from the first leaders you ever had in your life. Take your time. This exercise may be more meaningful to you than you imagine now. Some things your parents taught you will need to be kept. Other things need to be discarded, as soon as possible.
Your Childhood "Follower Skills":
Mom and Dad's Rules and Laws
If your parental leaders encouraged you to take initiative and explore, to "trust yourself," you became a creative follower. If your parental leaders treated you with respect, even as a child, you became a follower with a respectful nature. If your parental leaders bullied you with their sheer size and power, you learned to be a follower who never expresses yourself, who internalizes your thoughts, fears, and resentments.
Even as a leader, you must report to your supervisor as a subordinate follower. Many of your earliest skills learned as a child will reappear in your follower-style, for good or ill.
Parental Influences:
Powerful at Any Age
We may have leadership libraries with hundreds of books. We may have degrees and certificates on our walls as proofs of our intellectual education and training. We may hold high positions in the organization where we are now, and be highly compensated for it.
Nevertheless, our first adult leaders were our first role models--we lived with every day and night for years--of "what to do or not to do when in charge." For most of us, we have mixed memories, and a mixed assessment of their leadership. They also were the first ones to mold our behaviors to their expectations, and for their approval or disapproval.
Never underestimate, when you look at all your adult achievements on the wall, your parents' lifelong influence on you as a leader and follower. Whether they are living or dead now, you "graduated" from their school of leadership. The really adult, reflective leader (and follower):
- grasps this fundamental truth
- uses this truth to discover the positive and negative "leader-follower" principles deep within
- works to develop the good principles, and to be aware when the bad principles emerge "from nowhere" (within)
- accepts that to be an adult leader also means growing and developing beyond our parental examples, for the sake of our families, friends, and coworkers
Leadership Ethics Forum:
Speaking Your Inner Thoughts
Would it not be a wonderful exercise for you to have the privilege of a private and confidential, guided and non-judgmental reflection on:
- your parents' examples as leaders (and as followers of others)?
- your parents' effects on you as leader and follower?
- your challenges today as a leader and follower in the light of these things?
- private and confidential
- guided and non-judgmental
Contact us at info@leadershipethicsonline.com, and put "Leadership Ethics Forum" in the subject line. Inquiries including (1) name, (2) official title/responsibilities, (3) factual basis for interest, and (4) contact information--email and direct phone access--will receive prompt attention.
